To remember...

October through December the Lord walked our family through heaviness and loss and so many mixed emotions as we walked through the miscarriage. It was a work that shaped my heart in new ways as well as the hearts of my husband and our children. God was so near the whole time. 
 I'm wanting to keep those things in one place as a marker for our family to look back on and remember the goodness of the Lord in the pain. So here are some of the post from Instagram as well as the links to the videos that I did:

November 13, 2018
These words and this song were exactly what my soul needed to hear this afternoon. In my waiting right now, I called my husband and told him, “I’m not very good in the waiting...” and yet, sometimes the Lord allows us to walk through a waiting season or moment that causes us to just wait... to just be still and know that He is God... 

“Take courage my heart

Stay steadfast my soul

He's in the waiting

He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing”
Remembering that the Lord is faithful, is present, is in control even when it doesn’t feel like it, is loving and strong and is in the waiting with us are all things I’m holding tight to as I wait.

November 14, 2018

He seeks the Lord persistently, prays over me and our children individually every night, sends me messages of truth and scripture and belief and encouragement all throughout the day. He makes me meals and rubs my feet and cleans the house and shops for the family and tells me to keep going when I feel I’ve lost my strength. He tells me he loves me and that I’m beautiful multiple times a day, regardless if I’m in my fancy pants all made up or in my sweats all messy-bunned and makeup-less... He believes in the power of God and stands solid in his faith. He’s my best friend and the one that I run to in every valley I find myself in. We don’t have a perfect marriage but I know that he was perfectly placed in my life from the Lord to do life with. And he came home yesterday, knowing I had a difficult day, with four bouquets of flowers just to cheer me up.

November 16, 2018

Living off of worship music and scripture these days and this 
song by Chris McClarney called God of Miracles has been on repeat:
... Let faith arise in spite of 
what I see Lord I believe
But help my unbelief 
I choose to trust You

No matter what I feel, let faith arise... 

... This world is shaking

but You cannot be shaken

My heart is breaking 
but I'm not broken yet
Your love is fearless 
Help me to be courageous too
Oh there is nothing impossible...

November 19, 2018

It’s no coincidence that the month that I’m sitting and waiting and praying for a miracle, it’s the very same month that 3 years ago I witnessed one of the greatest most life altering miracles ever. God is so purposeful and intentional and I can clearly see the kindness of the Lord in this moment in my life. He saw from the beginning that my heart would need a big reminder of His power and His history in my life right now. I come from a large line of miracles in my family and I’m clinging to that truth right now. More than anything, no matter what happens in my life, I trust Jesus. Even in the moments that haven’t made sense, I can see now that it was for my good and brought me right where I was meant to be. At church yesterday Katie Torwalt sang this song and I was standing in the back of the room, crying my eyes out, surrounded by my sweet children and husband, unable to speak these words but knowing that that is my mission right now... praising before my breakthrough... “I’ll praise before my breakthrough ‘Til my song becomes my triumph

I will sing because I trust You

I will bring my heart

I will lift my song”

November 20, 2018

It’s so much easier to believe in the defeat over believing in the victory, and yet both are accessing a level of faith in something that hasn’t happened yet. Believing in the defeat is lazy, easy faith but believing in the victory is hard and takes effort and grit and pressing through the fears and the urge to protect ourselves from more pain. But I’ll take that belief in the victory a thousand times over, even if I look like a fool, because that’s where the miracles happen. Jesus would send the unbelieving, mocking and critical out of the room before He did the miracles. I want to be in the room when the miracles happen. I’ve been in so many moments where I had the choice to believe in the defeat or believe in the victory and yes, things don’t often (or ever) go as planned, but I can say with absolute confidence that even in defeat, it was still victory in hindsight because my faith remained in the power of God doing the impossible and with everything that has happened in my life, Christ has been at the center of it all and brought the victory in the end, even if it wasn’t the victory that I expected.
Right now I’m feeling a mix between having bold, outlandish, unshakeable faith as if I’m Braveheart with warpaint on, fighting in belief and faith right now, while at the same time feeling tired and emotional in the fight.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.” Eph. ‪6:12‬
If you’re in the fight and standing in faith for something big, stand strong on who you know God to be. Remind yourself of God’s history in your life of goodness. Remind yourself of scripture and His promises. Remind yourself of the stories all throughout scripture of God coming through and doing the impossible. “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Heb. 13:8 If you believe that, then really believe it. Stand strong in your faith, with open hands, trusting that He knows the very best, and trust the outcome, with these words being your anthem either way…”The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord” Job ‪1:21

December 5, 2018‬

He’s been my rock in all that I’ve been going through. Steady, consistent, strong, prayerful, present, kind, seeking to understand, grieving in his heart but carrying me still. On Thanksgiving, as he shared what he was thankful for, he gave such sweet honor and gratitude for this precious little life, in the middle of the unknown, and when I couldn’t speak he spoke for us both. His heart was so ready for this child. He’s such a good daddy from the beginning. Everyday that I’ve been knocked down physically and emotionally, he’s the one that picks me back up. He’s made countless dinners and packed lunches for the kids the night before. He’s done the grocery shopping and put kids to bed. Just last night he was on the living room floor reading to the kids while they surrounded him on all sides. And as I wait for my body to still go through what’s next and all the thoughts that come, he’s the one that is holding me up, listening to everything on my heart and pouring out his love for me every chance he gets.
I’m living in so much undeserved grace given by a God that sees every hurt, loves so big and knows every detail, and although pain still happens, Christ is present in it all and brings comfort in so many ways if we just look for it. So tonight (and every night) the grace and gift I’m thankful for is my husband. What once felt broken is now what is bringing my soul hope and healing and strength. God blows my mind with how beautifully He writes our stories.

December 6, 2018 

To live “Coram Deo” is to know that we are living in the presence of God, under the authority of God, and to the honor and glory of God.

It was a phrase that hung in my Dad’s office and then put on his gravestone when I was 14. My husband and I both had it tattooed on our arms to always remember that deep truth. 

And around my neck is the Lord’s prayer engraved in a necklace. 
Daily reminders of truth and hope and the beautiful reality that my life is not about me but it’s about Him. My dad always reminded me as a little girl that the world doesn’t revolve around me and sometimes I still need that reminder. It’s all about Jesus and His story wrapped up in humanity. It’s the greatest honor to be a child of God and that He uses the good, the bad, the hard, the messy, the pain, the beauty and breathes hope in it all. He never wastes any part of our pain. There are gifts to be found in it all.

December 7, 2018

I believe in the power of sharing our stories because they link us together in beautiful ways and help us to know we aren’t alone. It’s healing and it brings humans in, even when we might want to hide. Speaking our stories is something I will always encourage people to do. Whenever I’m going through something big in my life, I’m always looking to hear other people’s stories that relate to mine and that can bring hope and encouragement and light to what I’m walking through. 
I’ve felt that from the beginning of my pregnancy that the Lord put it on my heart to be open and to share the journey. I obviously thought it would be for a different happier reason, but no matter what, I trust Him and His voice in my life and so I trust Him completely in this as well. It’s all His story.

December 14, 2018

“Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
Resting and introverting. 
Finally feeling able to heal.
Trusting in the hope of Jesus and His goodness and peace even in heartache. 
I had 12 weeks connected to a life I’ll never meet on earth but fully felt the imprint and effect of their life on my physical body as well as in the hearts of us all. I don’t have all the answers to the many questions I’ve had and my children have asked, but what I do say over and over is that God loves us deeply, that He is good, that I trust Him with everything inside of me, and that His plans and purposes are greater and bigger than anything we can even imagine. The waiting was hard. I felt so much in limbo, wanting to heal but waiting for more pain to come. It pushed me deeper into seeking God and trusting that He made my body fully able to walk through the rest of the journey. And He did. I’ll share more later but God has been fully present in every moment, bringing waves of peace and calmness and for that I’m so grateful.

December 16, 2018

forever + ever + ever + ever thankful for him 

December 19, 2018

Moments from today + little/big reminders of God’s goodness:
1. God’s Word with me all throughout the day. God knows I’ve needed rest but also knows that I don’t rest so there’s been a lot of forced rest these days. And in that resting time I can’t do much but sit and read scripture. It’s just left open near me and a reminder that my greatest source of comfort has always come from God’s Word.
2. An early Christmas present from my husband in memory of our sweet babe we lost... a ring with a stone that represents the month we knew they were gone, mixed with a stone that speaks of the hope to come. 

3. The word “glory” has been highlighted over and over the last several days and every time I read it, I feel like the Lord wants me to see it and soak it in. And then I read a text message from my friend Shannon that was an old song called “Glory Baby” by Watermark... Goodness. It caught me by surprise and as I was trying not to cry but wiping tears away, my boy wrote me a quick love note and snuck it on my lap. ❤️
4. Photos as bookmarks in my bible are some of my favorite things, and this sweet photo of my tiny little Max is a simple reminder of the beautiful gifts God has poured out on my life over and over again. 
5. I was listening to a podcast my hubs sent me that was so crazy good. When the Lord blesses others, our hearts are so revealed. “Recognizing Divine Favor” from Bethel. Go listen
6. I’ve had a hearty amount of holiday guilt that we haven’t sent Christmas cards or done all the normal holiday festivities or checked those things off the lists that make moms feel like they’re doing a good job. These last few months had a lot of unexpected turns. My friend Sarah reminded me to give myself grace, that this season is just different this year and that it’s ok not to do all the things. I needed that reminder. So I’m soaking in as much of the things I can do and trying not to add unnecessary expectations. I ordered beeswax sheets on Amazon and had a sweet evening, all cozy and calm, making these with my babes. And Beeswax candles rolled by my kids are now most definitely one of my favorite things. 
7. and coffee because God is good and brings comfort in a cup every morning

December 21, 2018

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” (2 Cor. 1:3-4)
Thank you, Sarah... your words, your prayers, your understanding of this journey we’re on, your encouragement to sit in grace instead of expectations, your love and then these beautiful flowers...  It means so much

December 26, 2018

When I was going through everything, I was looking for other women’s stories. It made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I sought out women who I already knew had shared their stories as well as received countless messages from sweet mamas offering encouragement as well as their own experiences. I googled and looked all over the internet (which I now totally don’t recommend because the internet has some not so hopeful stories on there). So today I shared the rest of our miscarriage story, not for sympathy but for the other women looking for stories too. Stories of hope that are full of Jesus in all the parts and pieces.

Sharing the rest of our miscarriage 

December 29, 2018

Sweetest gift from my mama friend Heather. I really do have the most beautiful and encouraging community of women. It hasn’t always been this way. I honestly didn’t know that women could be so kind and loving and supportive until about 2 years ago... and then everything changed and the Lord ushered in real community with women that loved well and cheered others on and cared for each other in such a beautiful Jesus-way. So thankful. 
necklace: Seeded Hope


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